Between school, holidays and an unexpected pregnancy, I’ve been a little busy. Or rather, sick, tired and stupid. They tell me it’s normal for someone in my “condition”. If being the bringer if life is a “condition”, where’s my medal?
So what shook me out of my sick and tired pregnancy hiatus? Under my blog settings, there’s a section that shows what people have google searched before clicking on your site. One search read, “How to make a Mennonite boy like you.”
How To Make a Mennonite Boy Like You:
Jon, my husband, thinks the very idea of this blog is manipulative. He hates it. Since I’m currently growing his Mennonite baby – which is sucking all forms of life and energy from my inferior, non-Mennonite body – I can and will do what I want.
Immediately my heart went out to this girl. No doubt she’s been sitting in her school cafeteria, watching this mysterious farm kid warm up his lunch of leftover pierogies in a microwave.
Mystery does weird things to women.
Sister, a warning; Just because you can’t figure this guy out, that doesn’t make him “mysterious.” In this case it makes him Mennonite. And as most women learn, you can’t fix him. You can’t fix a Mennonite man any more than you can fix a shattered mirror with bubble gum and thumb tacks.
Not that I haven’t tried.
Jon’s Note: “I am mysterious. You can’t fix perfection.”
Step 1 – Patience.
– The most important thing is patience. I stalked my husband for 4 years. No exaggeration. Mennonite boys scare easy and to catch one takes persistence.
Here’s a list of what Mennonite boys understand:
*Hobbies (In my experience trucks or ninjas.)
*How to build really good fires.
*Their mom &/or Oma.
Here’s a list of what Mennonite boys don’t understand:
*All women other than Oma.
On second glance, that list is probably helpful for understanding men in general but I’m no expert. Handle big changes or new information as if you were treating a frightened baby bird.
An example: Carefully breaking the news to Jon that I was pregnant.
Me: “Jon, I’m pregnant”
Me: “I’m pregnant”
Jon: …pause…“You’re pregnant?”
Me: eye roll. “Yes.”
Jon:… long pause ….“Are you sure?”
Jon: ….longer pause…“Is this really happening?”
This went on for a while.
Jon’s note: “In my defense I think any man, Mennonite or not, would be shocked if it was 3a.m and your sleeping wife rolls over and drops this out of the blue.”
Step 2 – Like food and EAT IT.
– Forget about gluten free, sugar free and calorie counting. Picking at lettuce on a plate is not attractive. You are not a rabbit. If you don’t eat and ENJOY eating, you’ll only accentuate the fact that you are NOT Mennonite. This will frighten him away.
Jon’s Note: “Real men don’t share food. If you want fries, order them yourself.”
Step 3 – Give him food.
– I learned this trick in 10th grade. It was Christmas time and I made awesome chocolate chip cookies. I handed them out to my classmates but packaged the yummiest batch for Jon.
If you can’t bake don’t buy something at the store. He has heightened taste buds from a lifetime of eating Oma’s food. He will know immediately if it came from a package. This will frighten him away.
If you have a grandma, use her.
Jon’s Note: “Please remember a guy will still expect this kind of baking to continue after you are married!”
Step 4 – Embrace budgets and sales.
– They want to know your money savvy. If you aren’t, learn. It’s a big red flag to any Mennonite boy if you recklessly spend money on impulse and will certainly frighten him away. Instead, talk about how much you love thrift stores, sew your own clothing and make homemade soap in your kitchen.
Jon’s Note: “Spending money on soap might actually be okay.”
Step 5 – Talk about family. A lot.
– This was easy for me. My siblings are so tight, we don’t have friends. Having a close knit family is incredibly important to Mennonites. They express this through competitive card games, food, and sing-a-longs. It should be noted just because you might have a close family doesn’t mean you will understand a Mennonite family.
If you don’t have a close family, try not to mention how little you see or like them. This will frighten him away. Instead, talk about how one day it would be nice to have a close family.
Bonus points if you talk about how great HIS family is.
Jon’s Note: “I don’t understand her family. She says they are close but I don’t believe since I’ve never seen them play card games.”
Step 6 – Take an interest in music.
– This was probably my husband’s number one criteria in a wife – right under “loves God” and “likes food.”
An unfortunate side of this – you will be expected to participate in music at family gatherings.
This may frighten you away.
No comment from Jon. I think this is where he gave up.
Step 7 – Honestly though, don’t manipulate.
– After centuries of bartering and running family business and farms, Mennonites are really good at smelling B.S. (Burnt Schmauntfat). If you’re lying about music or baking or your family, they’ll see right through it. This will frighten him away.
If he doesn’t pick up on it, his Mom will and she will frighten YOU away. It’s for the best. If they didn’t smell your B.S you’d marry this unsuspecting Menno-man on a foundation of lies.
On that note – Jon’s still waiting for more cookies. He’ll get them when it’s his turn to be the pregnant one.
For whatever reason he’s been resistant to that idea.