A few weeks ago I became the aunt to a second nephew. His name is Emerson. He is perfect. The list I’ve created are awesome things I have taught his brother Oliver in 1.5 years. I’ll continue to update the list as he grows.
I’m considering changing my title from “Auntie Megs” to “Sensei”. You’re opinions are welcome only if they agree with mine.
10 Things Only Awesome Aunts Teach Your Children
1. Durability– I am clumsy. My sister knows this all too well but still allows me hold her children. I’ve never dropped my nephews but I have:
-Knocked their head against the door frames (more than once)
-Poked their eyes
-Put the diapers on backwards
-Managed to get all limbs stuck in clothing
-Wedged them stuck into the car seat (Who makes these things!?!)
-Pinched their hands into the car seat
-Hit their heads on the car door upon freeing them from the car seat
-Given them food that’s too hot
-Dropped things on them (more than once)
-Tripped over them (also more than once)
You can thank me for teaching my oldest nephew AND his parents that he is, in fact, indestructible. (A.K.A Megan-proof)
2. Fearlessness- I am terrified of newborns. They are loud, made of glass and ooze things from both ends. I’m not afraid to throw them in the air as soon as they can hold their head up.
3. Self Defense– Since Oli was an infant I pretended his baby body could punch, karate chop and karate kick. When his uncles (my brothers) are punched/kicked by a sweet little baby they overreact like a bomb exploded.
Now he thinks he’s incredibly strong – and a ninja.
4. Entertainment – Jumping on the couch/bed. Along with hitting and kicking, you can thank me for teaching Oli to jump on furniture.
5. Allergies Are Fake – Are those a real thing? Apparently, there are certain things you should NOT give a baby. Who knew? Not. Me.
6. Sharing -We/Awesome Aunts will feed them what we eat because they are so cute when they beg and it’s easier than making 2 separate things.
Confession time: I babysat Oliver for 2 days while his parents and baby brother were in the hospital. He ate PB and J for every meal. Because I can cook that. And his dance to the PBJ song is the best.
7. Communication Skills– We will teach them communicate through sounds and body noises. And it’s all a hilarious joke. Dinosaur noises, barks, growls, burps. I can’t take credit for Jurassic Park noises – that’s on Uncle Micah… Also the farting.
8. Resesitation – We will put the batteries BACK into the favorite singing/screaming toys which you removed out of an overstimulated rage. Why? He keeps looking up at me with those big blue eyes asking me why pushing the button is doing NOTHING.
I don’t have the heart to tell him Mommy killed his BFF.
9. Style – We will dress your kids hipper than you will. We don’t care about functionality. Just where it rates on the cuteness factor.
10. Forgiveness – Accidents happen! We might be the cause of passing down bad words…We find it hilarious due to our classy sense of humor. But we’ll blame it on their dad.
…which adds to the hilariousness…
3 Things My Nephews Taught Me
1. Babies are weird. We will treat your baby as a social/food experiment we are studying.
“Let’s see if he likes coffee.”“What will he do if he eats this spicy burrito.””Hmm. That’s veeerrrry interesting.”
2. I don’t understand babies – Wait. Kids spit up? Poop? Play in toilets? Play in dirt? POOP? Newsflash – They don’t sit like cute mini-adults all the time. Their super cute outfits last for 2 hours tops.
3. Sensei Megan needs to grow up.